On Being a Father

June 20, 2015

Throughout my life and my career, I have held many titles and positions of responsibility. I’ve been “Manager,” “Director,” “Counsel,” “Chief so and so,” and now “Vice President,” but the title that I’ve cherished most has been that of “Dad” to my six sons and “Pop Pop” to my four grandchildren. The responsibility is one that I’ve taken VERY seriously, especially as I have tried to teach them the real meaning of what it is to be a “man” and a “father,” and guide them as young Black males, as they navigate through life.

It begins with helping them understand what a “man” is and is not – that being a “man” doesn’t mean that they have to be “hard,” “mean,” or abusive toward women. I’ve taught them that it’s okay to express their feelings and that showing affection is not a sign of weakness, but rather can be an indication of strength and courage because it takes courage to voice one’s feelings instead of hiding them. I’ve taught them that fighting is not always the answer, that there will be times when negotiating and reasoning is the wiser course of action. Having said that, I’ve also helped them understand that there will be times when defending themselves or a loved one may become imperative.

It begins with helping them understand what a “man” is and is not – that being a “man” doesn’t mean that they have to be “hard,” “mean,” or abusive toward women.

They understand that respect for the girls, young ladies, and women in their lives is a MUST (or they will answer to me!). That last hasn’t been a difficult lesson because they’re encouraged to think of their mom, their aunts and female cousins and consider how they would want another male to treat that relative. This goes not only to being nonviolent but also to understanding that girls, young ladies and women are to be treated with respect, and not be viewed as sexual items for domination or conquest. It’s a lesson that contradicts street “wisdom” or the “code,” so to speak. Along with that, it’s been important for them to understand the distinction between being a “father” and a “sperm donor,” i.e. that there’s a responsibility that accompanies bringing a life into this world. Two of my six sons have children and they are fathers in every sense of the word. I could not be more proud of them!

There is so much to share with them throughout their lives. You see, I’ve long ago come to understand that being a Father, being “Dad,” is a lifelong responsibility. It never ends, even when they have flown the nest. Dad is always there to offer counsel and support. I’m not ashamed to confess that I am a fiercely protective dad even though my sons are all real men ranging in age from 36 to 22. What makes me so protective? Love! Love and the determination that NONE of my sons, nor any of their male cousins, nor any of the young men I mentor will ever be included in the statistics that keep me awake at night.

You see, I’ve long ago come to understand that being a Father, being “Dad,” is a lifelong responsibility. It never ends, even when they have flown the nest.

What statistics? In its 2013 study on Racial Disparities in the United States Criminal Justice System, submitted to the United Nations, the Sentencing Project reported that “one of every three Black American males born today can expect to go to prison in his lifetime”. Another study indicates that a Black male born in 1991 has a 29% chance of spending time in prison at some point in his life, and one out of nine African American men will be incarcerated between the ages of 20 and 34. The numbers go on and on. Several studies have concluded that overall, more Black males are in prison than are enrolled in colleges and university. In 2000, for example, there were 791,600 Black men in prison and 603,032 enrolled in college versus 1980 when there were 143,000 Black men in prison and 463,700 enrolled in college; by 1999 over one-fifth of Black non-college men in their early 30’s had prison records. According to a February 23, 2015 Huffington Post article, “there are more African American men incarcerated in the U.S. than the total prison populations in India, Argentina, Canada, Lebanon, Japan, Germany, Finland, Israel and England combined.” The numbers will vary, and there will no doubt be reports that paint a less dire picture, but it is only “less dire.” There is no dispute that there is a disproportionately high number of Black males behind bars and with criminal records.

How many sons do I have? There are six who share my blood and countless others with whom there has been a “mutual adoption.” Because some young Black males AND females are lacking a positive adult male presence in their lives, I’m on my own personal mission to be “Dad” to as many of them as possible!

By: Ron LeGrand, NNEDV Vice President of Public Policy