Combatting the Stigma: Real People, Real Conversations with Liza Pereira

October 31, 2024

As Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM) comes to a close, the Positively Safe team at the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) lifts up our partner, Liza Pereira, who shares her courageous journey with HIV and intimate partner violence (IPV):

        Liza Pereira

“I experienced intimate partner violence when I was only 15 years old. I was pregnant with my first child, and I had always felt that I had no one to turn to, so I just lived with it. At the time, I felt that I had to stay in the relationship because I wanted my child to grow up with both parents, a luxury I never had. I come from a family that taught me we don’t talk about our business and we don’t tell. It wasn’t until later in life that I learned how powerful it is to take my life into my own hands and not allow others to take control over me. In my early 30s, I was diagnosed with HIV, and even back then, I was too scared to tell anyone. Being diagnosed just seemed to make me feel worse about myself. I had always felt that I was never good enough, and now, with this disease, I just knew that I would never be good. I was tainted goods, and no one in their right mind would want to be with me.

At two years sober, I met a guy, and we both seemed to like each other. Then, the time came to take the next step. We wanted to have sex, but every time he kissed me, I would cry or make up an excuse to not go further. I really like him and I so badly wanted to tell him the truth. I still don’t know where I found the courage, but I did, and I told him, and he seemed not to be phased by it. We eventually got together and, in fact, we were together for 19 years. Eventually, I left that relationship because, in truth, he was not totally comfortable with me talking about my HIV status with others for fear of how they would look at him or even think that maybe he had it also, even though he is not a person living with HIV. There was always a passive-aggressive way about him, and he always seemed to know what to say to make me feel ashamed and not worthy of love.

I talk about these two experiences in my life because today I know that IPV does not always involve being physically abused. The mental and emotional abuse leave scars that run deeper and take longer to heal. I have also come to accept that what I was taught was the best my mother and grandmother had to give me. They, too, had their own experiences with IPV. The suffering in silence has been a generational curse that has been hard to break, not just for myself but for my children and grandchildren. I refuse to suffer in silence anymore; I refuse to stay in a relationship where I am not happy and treated with disrespect. I will no longer carry the shame and guilt of living with HIV. There is a laundry list of life experiences that I have been recovering from. The only way to stay on this path of healing is to continue to talk about what has happened, seek professional help, and keep my loved ones close so that I can continue to heal.”

NNEDV is grateful to Liza for sharing her story. If you or a loved one have experienced domestic violence, we encourage you to reach out to your state or territorial coalition or to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can reach The Hotline by phone (800-799-SAFE), TTY (1-800-787-3224), chat (TheHotline.org), or text (START to 88788).