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If You Are Being Abused

First and foremost, know that you are not alone and that the abuse is not your fault. 

If you are experiencing abuse, harassment, or harm from your partner, help is available. The suggestions below include common options that many victims and survivors consider. You know your situation best, and you know which of these suggestions may (or may not) be helpful, safe, and practical for you.

Support

Domestic violence is an intentional pattern in a relationship where one partner works to gain power and control over another partner. Different forms of abuse are physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and other methods of violence and harm.

Abusive partners are usually very good at isolating their partners from supportive family and friends who might notice that something is wrong. As a result, victims may feel ashamed and alone and believe that no one would understand. Many survivors have described feeling as if they didn’t know who they were anymore. This makes it even more difficult to survive the abuse, to sort through conflicted feelings, and to make decisions about what they want to do.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, it’s important to get connected with an advocate who can provide support, referrals, and provide you with available services — if it’s safe for you to do so. Hotline advocates are specifically trained in domestic violence and are available to provide resources, help with options to stay safe, or just listen.

The U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline provides free, confidential, and compassionate support, crisis intervention information, education, and referral services in over 200 languages. Contact them by phone (1-800-799-SAFE), chat (TheHotline.org), or text (START to 88788).

NNEDV represents the 56 state and U.S. territorial coalitions against domestic violence, which in turn support approximately 2,000 local programs and shelters across the country. These programs and shelters offer a variety of services, including emergency shelter, transitional housing, legal advocacy, childcare, counseling, support groups, and more. You can find your coalition and connect with a local program here.

Planning for Safety

If you think you might be experiencing abuse, harassment, or harm, it is important to make a “safety plan” to keep yourself and your children as safe as possible. It’s never your fault if someone chooses to abuse you, whether you have a safety plan or not. However, making a plan ahead of time can help you think about your options and potential next steps.

NNEDV’s WomensLaw team offers safety-planning guidance for victims of domestic violence, stalking, and more. It’s also something a hotline or program advocate can help you with. Here are some common things to consider:

If you are currently experiencing domestic violence: 

Plan how you could get out of the house quickly if your partner chooses to become violent. Try to position yourself near a door where you can escape quickly.

Put together a suitcase and keep it somewhere safe, easily accessible, and hidden from your partner. Pack it with clothes for you and your children, medication refills and information, important papers, car keys, photographs, money, and emergency phone numbers. Think about anything else you might need if you have to leave suddenly.

Have the phone numbers for local shelters and resources saved in a secure place so that you can access them quickly.

Tell neighbors about the abuse and ask them to take action if they hear noises coming from your home, such as calling your house, stopping by, or calling a trusted third party, which could be a friend, family member, or (if it is safe to do so) 911.

Talk to your children about how they can keep themselves safe as well. (Find WomensLaw’s guidance for survivors with children here.)

If you are thinking about leaving an abusive partner:

Identify things that have worked in the past to keep you safe.

Think about what has happened in the past and how the abuser has chosen to act in those situations. Identify patterns that indicate when the abuser might choose to act violently, like body language, drug or alcohol use, certain holidays, etc. (None of these things excuse an abuser’s choice to act violently, but observing patterns can help many victims make a more specific safety plan.)

Identify what you will do if the abuser chooses to start being violent again. For example, is it safe to call the police or 911? What about if the abuser chooses to break your phone? Where is the safest room in your home? Can you work out a signal with your children or neighbors to get help? (Find WomensLaw’s guidance for survivors with children here.)

Consider ways to have dangerous weapons (like guns or hunting knives) removed from the house or moved to a spot where the abuser can’t access them. (Learn more from WomensLaw here about how getting an order of protection can help accomplish this.)

Plan an escape route (and a backup route) and practice. Know where you can go and who you can call for help. Keep a list of addresses and phone numbers where you can go in a crisis, and keep them in a safe place. If you have children, find additional guidance for including them here.

If possible, open a bank account or hide money to establish or increase independence. (Find specific financial safety planning tips here.)

Gather items like the following (for yourself and your children) and hide them with a trusted individual or somewhere accessible outside the home:

    • Abuser’s Social Security number
    • Baby’s things (e.g., diapers, formula, medication)
    • Birth certificates
    • Cash
    • Cell phone and charger (See Cell Phone & Location Safety Strategies if you believe the abuser may track you.)
    • Children’s school and immunization records
    • Clothing and shoes
    • Credit and debit cards
    • Copies of an order of protection, if you have one
    • Copies of the lease or deed to your home
    • Documentation of the abuse
    • Driver’s license and registration
    • Eyeglasses and contact lenses
    • Family pictures
    • Immigration documents, if applicable
    • Important telephone numbers
    • Insurance policies
    • Medical records
    • Medications
    • Passport
    • Police records related to the abuse
    • Public Assistance ID
    • Social Security card
    • Work permit

After you have left an abusive partner:

If you are staying in the home and the abuser is leaving, change the locks on your doors and windows.

Obtain a P.O. box and forward all your mail to it.

Ensure that utility companies will not give out your information to your abuser.

Determine the safest way to communicate with the abuser if they must have contact. If you agree to meet, do it in a public place, and consider bringing a trusted friend or family member. Plan what you will do if the abuser chooses to act violently or follow you home.

Create a safety plan for coming and going to work. Talk with your supervisor and building security at work, and provide a picture of the abuser, if possible. If you have an order of protection, give the security guard or receptionist a copy.

Teach your children a safety plan, including calling family, friends, or neighbors if they are taken, and where to go during an emergency. If it is safe, teach your children to call 911. Otherwise, have the phone numbers of trusted individuals saved in a safe place and teach children how to call them. (Find WomensLaw’s guidance for survivors with children here.)

Talk to your children’s schools and childcare provider about who has permission to pick up the children.

Keep a journal of harassing calls, texts, or social media posts and times you may see your abuser around the workplace or neighborhood. Save and/or print any threatening emails. Keep a journal of anything that happens between you, the abuser, and the children regarding visitation. (Find documentation tips here from NNEDV’s Safety Net team.)