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Red Flags of Abuse

Domestic violence is all about power and control. It encompasses a spectrum of behaviors that abusers choose to use in order to control victims. The following list includes some common warning signs that someone may be abusive.

If you or a friend experience these behaviors from a partner, remember: it is not your fault, and there are advocates waiting to help.

Red flags in a relationship can include someone who:

Wants to move too quickly in the relationship, or ignores your hesitation or your requests to take things slowly.

Flatters you constantly, especially at the beginning of the relationship, and overall seems too good to be true.

Insists that you stop spending time with friends or family members, often framed as “wanting you all to themselves.” This is especially true if you have friends or family members who might notice that something is wrong and try to help you.

Wants you to stop participating in hobbies or activities, drop out of school, or quit your job. Getting a degree and holding down a job can also help you support yourself independently, which abusers see as a threat to their power and control.

Does not honor your boundaries, or even mocks you for having them in the first place.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful, which can make you feel like you need to further isolate yourself from other people.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day in a way that is disruptive or makes you feel uncomfortable.

Criticizes you or puts you down, saying that you are crazy, stupid, or ugly, or tells you that no one but them will ever want you or love you.

Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others for the harm or pain they’re causing. Often, the other person they’re going to blame is you.

Has a history of abusing other people.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their former partner, refusing to take any accountability for their own actions.

Takes your money, runs up your credit card debt, sabotages your job, or commits other kinds of financial abuse.

Expresses anger or rage only toward you, while maintaining composure around everyone else in their life and yours. This can make you feel like nobody would even believe you if you tried to ask for help.

Abuse is never a victim’s fault, and it can be hard for many reasons to safely end a relationship. You deserve to feel safe and supported, no matter what you choose to do.

If you experience these or other red flags, consider confiding in a friend or reaching out for support.

If you believe a friend or family is being abused, offer your nonjudgmental support and help connect them with resources. Learn more from NNEDV’s WomensLaw team.